In The Flow Coaching

Here in the US, as we celebrate the holiday season, there’s been a lot of thanks and appreciation in the air. But going beyond the seasonal tradition, developing the habit of gratitude has become a common buzzword in mainstream media, touted as the key to less stress, better health and more happiness.

Considering there are hundreds, if not thousands, of books written on the topic (based on a quick Amazon search), however, it seems we  need a little instruction on how to be grateful on a regular basis. In the developed world at least, where most of us can take our fundamental needs for granted, too often, it seems, we reserve gratitude for that colossal gift or happy event: something exceptional and out of the ordinary.

But I hear you, devil’s advocate: Even if we have enough to eat and a place to sleep, modern life is stressful! How could we possibly feel grateful when we are feeling upset or thwarted and things aren’t going our way? If we show gratitude for the small and paltry, then that might be all we end up with. Plus, being appreciative puts us in a position of indebtedness and weakness.

Au contraire, mon frere. The power of gratitude lies in its ability to transform your state of mind. It’s virtually impossible to feel grateful and depressed at the same time, or grateful and entitled, or grateful and unhappy. Moreover, expressing gratitude puts you into a place of readiness to receive even more, not less. After all, why would the powers that be shower you with your heart’s desire when you don’t even appreciate what you already have? (And if you’re still not convinced, take a look at the people who wallow in entitlement and eternal dissatisfaction – do they seem happy to you?)

So if your gratitude muscle needs a little exercise, here are some suggestions on how to pump it up:

1. Go on a rampage of appreciation. That’s what Abraham-Hicks calls it in their book, Ask And It Is Given. Hone your powers of observation, notice what you typically take for granted and actively identify things in your immediate environment that are pleasing to you – the way your favorite cashmere sweater feels on your skin or the cool breeze coming in the window. Then, extend the rampage to things not directly related to your welfare: the playful way that father is interacting with his daughter at the grocery store, for example, or the smooth ride of the newly paved highway.

2. Deliberately direct your focus. Mundane stuff, isn’t it. But once you become oriented toward looking for things to appreciate you’ll find that your day is filled with such things and you will start to feel a quiet buzz of contentment. (Plus, it’s easier to feel grateful for little things that are not chronically associated with negative emotion or resistance.) And whatever you’re not grateful for? You don’t have to change your feeling about it, just don’t focus on it. Like you would with a wandering dog on a leash, practice pulling your focus back, again and again, to what’s pleasing and feels good.

3. Use a cheat sheet. For sure, it’s difficult to feel grateful in those moments when you are feeling thwarted or out of sorts and distinctly unappreciative of your current situation. So you need a back-up plan: keep a gratitude journal or a pre-written script which you can refer to and rely on to conjure up feelings of appreciation. The longer you can focus on it, the quicker you can regain a positive grounding.

4. Get regular. Five to 15 minutes is the recommended daily allowance of focused gratitude. But I also grab a quick fix when I’m in transit, walking to the elevator or down the street. Like a curious beagle, I sniff out things to appreciate — the confident swagger of a five-year-old, the smile of a courteous policeman, or a storekeeper clearing the sidewalk of litter — and give myself a gratuitous burst of energy.

5. Be grateful in advance. Is there something you’d like to have (more of) in your life? Instead of fretting or wondering when or if it’s coming, assume it’s on its way and start feeling grateful before it even arrives.

I’ll leave you with these words from an unknown author:

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

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It’s that time of year: If procrastination had a season, no doubt it would be the months before income taxes are due. Though some people claim to work better under pressure, procrastination – resistance to taking action – is an insidious drain of psychic energy: somewhere in your mind is the awareness that you are supposed to be doing something else and, like a monkey on your back, it prevents you from focusing fully on whatever you’re actually doing.

Whether it’s making a call to an unpleasant client, writing a monthly report, or starting a diet, here are three ways to tweak your perception so you can get to the start, and finish, more quickly and efficiently.

One reason I think we’re so reluctant to get started on unpleasant stuff is because we think that once we start, that feeling of resistance is only going to get stronger each step of the way. But that’s not the case. Let’s say you have a long list of calls to make. Once you break through the inertia and make the first two or three calls, it doesn’t get cumulatively harder with each call. Instead, momentum kicks in, resistance fades and, in some cases (careful!), you may actually start to enjoy the process. Focus on breaking through the resistance to take just that first step.

2. Anticipate resistance. Some activities (like brushing your teeth) become an easy habit; others (like waking up early if you’re a night owl) don’t. Just because you do something regularly, don’t assume that it should get “easier” – you will only compound the inertia because now, in addition to the push-back of “I don’t wanna,” there is the feeling of inadequacy that, after all this time, you are still struggling with this particular resistance. Rather than expecting the resistance to go away, focus on how to break through it.

3. Get a strategy. By now you know what little tricks you use to procrastinate and resist the inevitable: hitting the snooze button, checking out celebrity picks on iTunes (uhem), cleaning out the refrigerator. Give up the fantasy that you will eventually just “feel like it” and pro-actively create a strategy that anticipates and short-circuits  resistance. Reward yourself for taking action (yes, now you can check out celebrity picks on iTunes). Set a time limit for how long you have to do something. Or pair a “pleasant thing” with an “unpleasant thing” (Grey’s Anatomy with stretching, for example, or Jolly Ranchers with filing tax returns).

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In the economic turbulence of recent weeks, each day drops a new bomb: historic slides in the market, unprecedented bank failures. Every other conversation seems to revolve around lay-offs, bankruptcies and pending economic disaster, intensifying the sense of anxiety and uncertainty.

All this on top of the stressful events that are already part of a typical high-pressure workweek: a client calling to say they’re pulling out of the deal on which you’ve been working long hours. An unpleasant exchange with a colleague. Or the sinking realization as you dial into a conference call with a client that you misspelled their company name in the letter you sent out late last night.
How do you prevent them from derailing your productivity and eating away at your confidence? What’s your recovery strategy?

In his book, Fight Your Fear and Win, sports psychologist Don Greene, Ph. D says: “The ability to move on – to put a poor judgment, a wrong answer, a weak moment, a physical lapse, behind you instantly – is the thing that makes winners out of the merely talented.” Whether an event was or wasn’t under your control, endless venting and rehashing are nothing but a waste of time and mental energy. Instead, here are five techniques for hitting your internal “reset” button so you can recover and move on in champion style:

1. Use your body as an anchor. When we’re “in our head,” we’re either ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. Our body, however, is always in the present – so use it to get grounded. In the aftermath of plans gone awry, stop and feel the soles of your feet on the floor, your fingertips on the computer keyboard. Then, see if you can locate where you’re feeling the impact – a tightness in your throat or chest, a gnawing in your stomach – and breathe into the sensation until it starts to subside.

2. Stick to the facts. Now, back to your head. Whenever an event triggers an emotionally charged response, our egos will hijack the facts and spin them into a dramatic story that incorporates all our negative self-talk and fears of inadequacy. First, parse out the facts in simple Dick-and-Jane language – “The deal did not go through,” or “The Dow is down” instead of “Why can’t I do anything right?” or “We’re heading for another depression.”

3. Set a time limit. Of course, separating fact from your own firmly entrenched fiction is easier said than done. Egos feed off drama and will try to convince you that, if only you go around in circles long enough, you will reach a solution. Don’t fall for that ol’ chestnut; you’re not going to “solve” an emotional response by thinking alone.

So determine a finite amount of time – ten minutes, say – to focus your attention solely on what just happened. Write some stream-of-consciousness thoughts or bullet points and then resolve to put it aside until the emotional heat has subsided.

4. Send in your inner coach. If you find yourself during the day constantly replaying a blunder or imagining a worrisome scenario, ask your inner critic if your inner coach can step in to pinch-hit for a moment. Then, speak to yourself in a kind voice, as if comforting a child, with your own version of: “You did your best,” or “This too will pass.”

5. Keep it in perspective. Yes, there will always be the office sharks waiting to pounce at the slightest sign of weakness but, in most cases, no-one is as hyper-aware of your mistake – much less the harsh soundtrack in your head – as you are. In any case, instead of fixating on what went “wrong,” your energy would be better spent recovering quickly and determining an action plan for damage control, if necessary.

The Bottom Line
What’s done is done. The only thing under your control is what you do next. As winners of every ilk know, the ability to remain poised, resilient and quickly regain their balance is a competitive edge more valuable than never dealing with mistakes or setbacks at all.

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