In The Flow Coaching

When Shannon Bahrke won bronze in women’s moguls at the 2010 Winter Olympics, in her excitement she “hugged first-place winner Hannah Kearney so tightly that she almost knocked her U.S. teammate over.” Next to them on the podium, however, Canadian skier Jennifer Heil looked crestfallen after taking silver.

From our vantage point as a spectator, it might be hard to imagine feeling disappointed at “only” winning a silver medal. On the other hand, we can kind of understand how, after years of training and sacrifice, being so close to the gold — and falling seconds short — could feel like failure.

That crucial difference in perspective is why “on average, bronze medalists are happier than silver medalists,” says Victoria Medvec, a psychologist and professor at Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management in Illinois. Research shows a disconnect between performance and satisfaction, she says. “Those who perform objectively better can actually feel worse than those who they outperformed.”

Of course, there are high-performers in all arenas – business, medicine, performing arts – who are never quite satisfied with their impressive achievements. They zone in on the flaws, lament their missteps and don’t really seem to savor and enjoy the fruits of their labor. Makes you wonder, what’s the point of achievement again?

The secret to happy goal attainment comes down to focus. Here are five ways Happy High-Achievers – let’s call them HaHAs – play hard and stay content:

1. HaHAs keep their balance. Come on, there’s no glory in pushing to the edge, sacrificing proper nutrition, sufficient sleep and movie night, if it means you’re going to collapse, be out of commission and have disgruntled friends and family. HaHAs keep an ongoing cost-benefit analysis and remember their core values (that trophy isn’t going to come visit you in the hospital!) to make sure they don’t sacrifice what’s really important.

2. HaHAs enjoy the process. Yep, that ol’ chestnut. But isn’t most of the time we spend in pursuing a goal considered “process?” To focus on the fleeting moments on the podium (the stage, the finish line) and expect them to feel like sufficient reward for your hard work is a recipe for dissatisfaction. For HaHAs, the purpose of a goal is for what they’ll learn and the joy in striving for it – actually achieving the goal is just icing on the cake.

3. HaHAs pursue excellence, not perfection. Can we just agree already that perfection does not exist? And if it does, it’s subjective and a constantly moving target? HaHAs know this and refuse to hold themselves up to some impossible standard. They don’t compare themselves relentlessly to others or pay attention to the inner critic. Instead, they prefer to focus on the more satisfying challenge of simply doing better than they did the day before.

4. HaHAs focus on what they can control. And they spend minimal time focusing on what they can’t. When results fall short, HaHAs don’t blame the weather, their neighbor’s barking dog or the dry-cleaners. They don’t constantly look in the rear-view mirror and beat themselves up for a result that is past and done. Whatever happens, HaHAs forgive (themselves and others), show gratitude and find a way to reframe the situation so they can feel good and move forward.

5. HaHAs are doin’ it for themselves. That’s because working toward a goal solely to satisfy someone else’s expectations – whether your parents, fans or society – is destined to create a feeling of gnawing emptiness and “is this all there is?” Conversely, no matter how “unimpressive” or inadvisable a choice of action might seem to an outsider (“What do you mean you don’t want the promotion?!”), HaHAs have figured out which accomplishments give them the greatest satisfaction in practice – not just theory – and they stay true to themselves.

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This MSNBC video goes behind the scenes of Navy Seals training, the stage for extreme fitness.

Only 20 – 25% make it through the training and it’s not always the biggest and baddest: What psychologists studying the results have found is that more than physical fitness, mental toughness and “mission focus” are the number one indicators of success.

How important is mental toughness in the business world?

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Looking For A Competitive Edge?

I’d like to help: I’ve taken all the techniques and insights I’ve gained from years of studying peak performance, and designed a workshop to help you reinvigorate your goals, jumpstart your motivation and make 2010 your best year yet.

Here are a few things you’ll learn:
·    The #1 obstacle that is keeping you from achieving your goals and how to overcome it
·     The few simple changes you can make in your daily routine to reduce stress and increase energy
·    Why you don’t have to beat yourself up for not having enough willpower, and the subtle mental shift that will increase your discipline
·    The technique guaranteed to shorten your time from procrastination to action
·    Do positive affirmations work for you? If not, I’ll show you what I do instead.
·    Would you like to know the one crucial habit that will help your life go more smoothly? (It’s just as, if not more, important than advance planning – and most people skip it.)
·    How to minimize the top-three time-wasters and free up pockets of time (and still watch TV if you want to!)

DATE: Wednesday, February 24, 2010
TIME: 7:00 – 8:30 PM
PLACE: In Good Company Workplaces, 16 W. 23rd Street, 4th floor (New York, NY)
INVEST: $35 ($30 if you sign up with a friend)
REGISTER: http://shiftintohighgear.eventbrite.com/

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Too old, too young, too stressed, not enough time, not enough space, not enough energy, too cold, too hot, too early, too late…we are incredibly resourceful in coming up with reasons why it’s never quite the right time to change the status quo. The fact is, there will always be some condition that is less than ideal.

Watch this Nike ad with Matt Scott, and then let me ask you: “What’s your excuse?”

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Here we stand, on the threshold of a new decade: it’s a fresh start, a new beginning. This is it, your chance to really make a change, once and for all – it’s now or never. Yikes, talk about pressure.

Sure, the beginning of a new year provides fresh inspiration and impetus for your goals. The question is, how do you sustain your motivation and stay on the continuous improvement track when daily life and familiar temptations rear their head (did you really think chocolate or “Lost” reruns were just going to lose their allure?). The “all or nothing” approach – i.e. giving up when you get off track – doesn’t work. Here’s the checklist I return to (over and over) to bolster my resolve and keep moving forward.

1. Figure out your why. That’s what the human brain instinctively responds to. As Simon Sinek, author of Start With Why, points out, however, most people start with the “what.” Whether it’s at the macro level — living a life of purpose – or micro level – losing 10 pounds — sheer willpower only goes so far. Without a driving “why,” motivation falters, inspiration fades and change fails to take hold.

Let’s take a typical New Year’s resolution — losing weight — as an example. At a seminar on change by Martha Beck, the Harvard-trained sociologist and resident life coach at Oprah magazine, there was an older Indian woman in the audience who was very insistent that she wanted to lose weight but simply couldn’t. “Are you sure you really want to lose weight?” asked Martha. “Oh yes,” said the woman, “Since I came to America to live with my daughter and her family, I have gained so much weight and I want to get rid of it.”

Martha called the woman up to the stage to demonstrate an exercise where the body acts like a lie detector. She asked the woman to hold out her arm and say, “I like chocolate.” Her arm stayed firm when Martha pressed down on it. But when she said, “I want to lose weight,” her arm immediately gave way when pressed. “Hmmm,” said Martha, “I don’t think you really want to lose weight.” “But I do,” said the woman, “I want to be able to play with my grandchildren.” Ahhh,” said Martha. “So it’s not that you want to lose weight, you want to be healthy and have energy so you can keep up with your grandchildren. Now that you’ve identified what you really want, see if the weight doesn’t start to come off.” The woman walked back to her seat looking stunned but enlightened: she had replaced her what with a why.

2. Fast-forward past the excuses. Too old, too young, not enough time, not enough space, not enough energy, too early, too late…we’re so resourceful in coming up with excuses. And they’re always valid, of course. Except, as Nike pointed out in a recent ad, there’s someone out there who has a good excuse and they’re doing it anyway. So here’s a thought: You know how you can skip commercials when you TiVo a show? You’ve seen them all before, know exactly where they’re going and the featured program is what you really want to see anyway. Hmmm, kind of like your excuses – why not do the same and fast-forward past them right to the action?

3. Create positive rituals. We are creatures of habit. In fact, research suggests that as little as five percent – five! – of our behaviors are consciously self-directed. That means as much as 95 percent of what we do happens automatically. We use this principle to perpetuate our “bad” habits (having a cigarette when drinking with friends, for example), why not create positive rituals as well?

The key, say Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz in their book, The Power of Full Engagement, is to make the behavior precise and the time specific: meditating for 10 minutes before work, say, reading a novel for 20 minutes at lunchtime, or stretching during The Daily Show.

4. Ask a small question. Once we’ve asked the big question – what is my why? -  it’s time to ask a smaller one. Daniel Pink, who goes beyond carrots and sticks in his latest book, Drive: The  Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, suggests that at the end of each day, you ask yourself: “Was I better today than yesterday?” It’s not about critical judgment or self-flagellation: “Instead, look for small measures of improvement such as how long you practiced your saxophone or whether you held off on checking email until you finished that report.” There are days, says Pink, where his answer is, “No, I wasn’t better than the day before.” But, he says, it’s rare that he’ll answer “no” two days in a row. Asking the small question — and a healthy sense of competition with yourself – is subtly motivating and will help you raise the bar an inch at a time.

5. Measure and track. News flash: memory and conjecture are not an objective way to determine whether you’re sticking to the plan or making progress. Instead, come up with concrete, quantitative ways to measure your goals — e.g. how often you went to the gym, how many Spanish verbs you learned to conjugate, the number of sales calls you made – and keep track on a piece of paper or Excel spreadsheet. (Check out http://www.joesgoals.com for a simple online habits tracking system.)

Or you can use the technique that Jerry Seinfeld used to discipline himself to write jokes everyday. Get a big wall calendar that has a whole year on one page, and a red magic marker. For every day that you finish your goal task, put a big red X over that day. “After a few days,” says Seinfeld, “you’ll have a chain. Just keep at it and the chain will grow longer every day. You’ll like seeing that chain, especially when you get a few weeks under your belt. Your only job next is to not break the chain.”

If you can embrace the idea that change is a daily, iterative process — with reviewing and tweaking to be expected — you’ll find that, even if you’re taking two steps forward and one step back, you’re moving faster and forward.

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Here in the US, as we celebrate the holiday season, there’s been a lot of thanks and appreciation in the air. But going beyond the seasonal tradition, developing the habit of gratitude has become a common buzzword in mainstream media, touted as the key to less stress, better health and more happiness.

Considering there are hundreds, if not thousands, of books written on the topic (based on a quick Amazon search), however, it seems we  need a little instruction on how to be grateful on a regular basis. In the developed world at least, where most of us can take our fundamental needs for granted, too often, it seems, we reserve gratitude for that colossal gift or happy event: something exceptional and out of the ordinary.

But I hear you, devil’s advocate: Even if we have enough to eat and a place to sleep, modern life is stressful! How could we possibly feel grateful when we are feeling upset or thwarted and things aren’t going our way? If we show gratitude for the small and paltry, then that might be all we end up with. Plus, being appreciative puts us in a position of indebtedness and weakness.

Au contraire, mon frere. The power of gratitude lies in its ability to transform your state of mind. It’s virtually impossible to feel grateful and depressed at the same time, or grateful and entitled, or grateful and unhappy. Moreover, expressing gratitude puts you into a place of readiness to receive even more, not less. After all, why would the powers that be shower you with your heart’s desire when you don’t even appreciate what you already have? (And if you’re still not convinced, take a look at the people who wallow in entitlement and eternal dissatisfaction – do they seem happy to you?)

So if your gratitude muscle needs a little exercise, here are some suggestions on how to pump it up:

1. Go on a rampage of appreciation. That’s what Abraham-Hicks calls it in their book, Ask And It Is Given. Hone your powers of observation, notice what you typically take for granted and actively identify things in your immediate environment that are pleasing to you – the way your favorite cashmere sweater feels on your skin or the cool breeze coming in the window. Then, extend the rampage to things not directly related to your welfare: the playful way that father is interacting with his daughter at the grocery store, for example, or the smooth ride of the newly paved highway.

2. Deliberately direct your focus. Mundane stuff, isn’t it. But once you become oriented toward looking for things to appreciate you’ll find that your day is filled with such things and you will start to feel a quiet buzz of contentment. (Plus, it’s easier to feel grateful for little things that are not chronically associated with negative emotion or resistance.) And whatever you’re not grateful for? You don’t have to change your feeling about it, just don’t focus on it. Like you would with a wandering dog on a leash, practice pulling your focus back, again and again, to what’s pleasing and feels good.

3. Use a cheat sheet. For sure, it’s difficult to feel grateful in those moments when you are feeling thwarted or out of sorts and distinctly unappreciative of your current situation. So you need a back-up plan: keep a gratitude journal or a pre-written script which you can refer to and rely on to conjure up feelings of appreciation. The longer you can focus on it, the quicker you can regain a positive grounding.

4. Get regular. Five to 15 minutes is the recommended daily allowance of focused gratitude. But I also grab a quick fix when I’m in transit, walking to the elevator or down the street. Like a curious beagle, I sniff out things to appreciate — the confident swagger of a five-year-old, the smile of a courteous policeman, or a storekeeper clearing the sidewalk of litter — and give myself a gratuitous burst of energy.

5. Be grateful in advance. Is there something you’d like to have (more of) in your life? Instead of fretting or wondering when or if it’s coming, assume it’s on its way and start feeling grateful before it even arrives.

I’ll leave you with these words from an unknown author:

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

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In my  recent teleseminar, Motivation: How To Get It, Stoke It and Keep It Strong, with ace tennis coach Ed Tseng, we discussed the ephemeral nature of motivation.

David McClelland, a Harvard psychology professor and author of Human Motivation, says there are three fundamental drivers that motivate all humans: 1) achievement (the desire to compete against increasingly challenging goals); 2) affiliation (the desire to be liked/loved); and 3) power, both personalized (the desire for influence and respect for yourself) and socialized (the desire to empower others; to offer them influence and respect)

In his soon-to-be-released book, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, career analyst Dan Pink posits that motivation in the 21st century is a different animal. That when it comes to problem-solving, non-linear work we are inspired by intrinsic — not extrinsic — motivators, namely autonomy, mastery and purpose. Here, in his presentation at the TED conference, he makes his case:

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As the offspring of a Swedish-German father and Korean mother, I’ve always been interested in the idea of “hybrid vigor,” something farmers have long experimented with in plants and animals.

In “Is It Better To Be Mixed Race?” Aarathi Prasad, a geneticist and mother of a mixed race child, sets out to challenge the ideas of racial purity and examines provocative claims that there are, in fact, biological advantages to being mixed race.

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Back in the mid-90s,I had just returned to New York after graduating from business school in France. I was feeling a little ungrounded career-wise – I had an MBA but no real interest in typical MBA professions like investment banking or consulting – and so, in the meantime, was temping at a mindless 9 to 5 job.

Being a night owl, I realized, I still had a good six hours after work before bedtime and the idea of taking martial arts popped into my head (like most of my life-changing decisions do). Flipping through the Yellow Pages, I found a taekwon-do school a few blocks from my apartment and signed up for the one-month trial.

Within the first few days, I was hooked, going to class four or five times a week. And for the next seven years that I pursued my first-degree black belt, martial arts training was my anchor — through a myriad of jobs, roommates and relationships — a profound source of lessons and references that I could translate into work, music and every aspect of life.

1. Break down the impossible into the possible. When I first started training, I saw the students with advanced belts leaping high up in the air and throwing  flamboyant kicks, and I couldn’t imagine ever being able to do them myself. Luckily, as white belts, we began with a basic turning kick, which was vaguely doable and, from there, almost without realizing, I made incremental progress until it was me who was one of the advanced belts breaking boards with a flamboyant kick.

This has been an invaluable reference that I’ve applied to everything I do. Feeling that awful “how am I ever going to do this?” pit in my stomach when faced with a daunting challenge – whether it’s distilling reams of information into a client presentation, learning the thousands of notes in a Rachmaninoff concerto or memorizing the names of all the muscles and bones for a fitness certification exam – I remind myself that I’ve done the “impossible” before and I can do it again.

2. Feel the emotion without reacting emotionally. It’s so easy when you’re contact sparring to get angry and take it personally when your opponent lands a painful punch to the stomach or kick to the head. But when anger – or other strong emotion — clouds your thinking, performance suffers (it may also have something to do with the kick to the head). So, I learned to quickly process (not suppress) my emotions, and not let them (necessarily) dictate my actions or demeanor. (P.S. This is a handy skill to have at the office.)

3. If your first attempt isn’t successful, try it again (or something else). I think this may have been said more eloquently by someone else, but in truth, I often fell prey to the illusion that if something didn’t work the first time, perhaps it wasn’t meant to be.

In class, we would learn different kick combinations to counter or initiate an attack. Practicing with a partner, they seemed so simple and effective. And yet, I was frustrated when the combinations didn’t work in actual sparring. What was wrong with me?! In fact, it wasn’t about finding a foolproof strategy or formula that would work right off the bat regardless of circumstances: it was about tweaking the formula or trying different strategies until one worked. (Hmmm, can you think of other situations where this might apply?)

4. No-one is good at everything. Surrounded by talented students — some who competed internationally, had black belts in multiple martial arts or had been training since they were two years old – they all melded, in my mind, into one incredibly fast, strong, flexible super-human composite. Intimidating and discouraging, to say the least, and not even accurate. As it turned out, everyone had their strengths and weaknesses, and it was a better use of time to maximize what strengths I had than to psyche myself out exaggerating those of others. (Corollary: Stop playing the comparison game.)

5. Energy starts in the mind. As passionate as I was about training, I didn’t always feel like going to class after work. Some nights I would drag myself sluggishly across the mat, shoulders slumped, focused on how I could sneak out early. But then one of the master teachers would appear in front of me with a kicking pad, and I would be miraculously flooded with renewed vigor.

How strange, nothing else had changed; I hadn’t eaten a Power Bar or gulped down a Red Bull. By virtue of the master’s attention, I simply felt inspired to try harder, to show respect by doing my best. That instant energy surge was vivid proof that it’s the mind that tells the body what to do, not the other way round.

6. Persistence pays off in more ways than one. Okay, it’s one thing to know this intellectually; it’s another to experience the confidence-building effects. The black belt test takes about an hour and consists of calisthenics, forms, sparring and breaking a block of five boards with a back kick. No matter how well you perform on the other parts of the test, if you don’t break the boards, you don’t get your black belt. This was the one part of the test I wasn’t able to practice and, as I faced the boardholders bracing for my kick, I was overcome by doubt.

I didn’t break the boards the first time. Nor the second time, the requisite three months later. I don’t think I have ever felt so discouraged and inadequate. But I was determined not to walk away, like some of the other students who never came back after their first failure. It took me five separate tries and hours of practice over the course of a year to finally break the boards, but the intense feeling of relief, sense of accomplishment and confidence in my ability to persist was priceless.

7. Commitment trumps ability. My frustration from not being able to break the boards was exacerbated when I saw students who were less fit or not as strong as me, kick right through with apparent ease. (And I’m guessing the muscular football player who also took several tries to break the boards felt the same.) The difference was they believed they could do it and they didn’t hold back. As the instructors used to say: “Kick like you mean it.”

I have yet to use any kicks or punches in actual combat. But the mental muscles I developed – confidence, resilience, ability to adapt, self-control — those, I have occasion to use every day.

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